Boundaries - Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend - Scott Goggins

 

A book I think most people should read. Not because they wrote this book in such a cool way that it stuck with me, its more so just the concept of boundaries. I thought about it before but never to the extent that this book portrays. It essentially is just a way to protect yourself and they give you permission to put yourself first which can be hard when your mom or grandmother are guilt tripping you. There are some interesting lines. So your parents raise you and as you are deciding what to do in life you decide you want to live in California while they are in Maryland. Your parents then say 'we provided for you all these years and have taken care of you and you are going to move to California and not let us see our grandchildren?'. My irl response is dang they are right, they have done a lot for me maybe I shouldn't go. The book argues that if they did these actions with 'love' then they were done not to be paid back. So you aren't in debt to them because it was out of love which doesn't expect a return. I thought that was interesting. Another interesting piece is they talk about weaponizing love. If my parents want me to do something and I tell them 'I'm not going to do X, I want to do Y'. I think a very common response from parents or others is to get sad or quiet and almost withhold their love or emotion from you almost to harm you or guilt you into doing what they want. They are saying that is unhealthy. People should respect being told 'No' and that's the end of it. It doesn't mean I hate you I just don't want to do it so the appropriate response from my parents or others would be 'Oh ok, well I wish you would do X but I totally understand and hope you have fun doing the other activity instead!'. That is the healthy response because it's saying 'ok that isn't what I wanted but my love for you hasn't changed so of course I want you to enjoy the other event'. I think my biggest issue isn't with the book but with boundaries. It's hard to enforce because every situation is different so you constantly having to be on patrol which can be difficult. I think it takes time and practice but once understood can be powerful. My take away is that boundaries aren't used to control people they are used to express what you will and will not tolerate. If you do 'X' I will do 'Y'. This transfers the control to the person. It's their decision if they do the behavior. I'm not controlling them because they are free to do it but I won't tolerate it. Then you just have to be communicative about what your boundaries are. 

I knew the concept but it was nice to get a deep dive. I still did go to chatgpt and ask how this all works when you have a boundary and then they cross it and then what? The unemotional answer is you ditch the relationship or friendship or career but that's not a real answer. The answer seemed to be compromise, you work together to a point that works for both of you.